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July 6, 2015

Always and Forever (and Ever, and Ever, and Ever....)

I feel uniquely qualified to write about Shark Week, which for my purposes should be renamed Shark Season. 
The story of a period without an end.

About 4 years ago, I gave birth to my third and final child. It was decided at the time that I would not get my tubes tied while I was still in the hospital and in the throes of hormonal chaos, in case I regretted the decision to do so. My only regret now is NOT having done it. Since birth control is a necessity (because a fourth child is a don'teventhinkaboutit) and in deference to my husband's aversion to all things medical, I decided that I would go on Depo-provera, a birth control shot that I would get every three months. In addition to not having to remember to take a pill every day, the shot came with the possible side effect (read: BONUS!) of curbing or eliminating my period. Sign. Me. Up.

I got my first shot back in December of last year. The doctor told me that my desired "side effect" could take up to three shots to go into effect. Three months later and three months later, and the desired side effect is exactly non-existent for me. But that may be putting it mildly. What's actually happened is that not only am I not NOT getting my period, but I am getting it for weeks. And weeks. And weeks. Out of the roughly 12 weeks per shot, I probably have my period 7 or 8 of those weeks. Apparently I have the Energizer bunny of periods: it keeps going, and going, and going.

And now in the end game of the third shot it has only been getting worse. I have had flash flooding that has had nothing to do with the torrential downpours that have plagued my South Central Pennsylvania town in recent weeks. I have had to leave work and other public places in search of dry land and clean undergarments. This is not the birth-controlled, carefree-married-sex driven (and period-free!) existence of which I dreamt. 

Unless one's husband is into riding the red tide, I can assure you that having one's period for eight weeks is not conducive to having too much sex--which sort of defeats the purpose of having birth control in the first place. No surprise that Pfizer isn't advertising this particular possibility. Or maybe they should explain that the real birth control happens when you can't even squeeze in a quickie because this tide just isn't going out.

Now Aunt Flo hasn't been here all day all the time. A few times she has made herself somewhat scarce.  It is these opportunities that have made this marginally bearable, but unfortunately the unbridled freedom of sex without consequences has been squelched. The staff has been stifled. The muff muffled.

I think it's time to take the old tubes in for a little trim. It won't prevent Aunt Flo from stopping by, but at least her visits will be a lot shorter. She's seriously overstayed her welcome here.

Aunt Flo has seriously overstayed her welcome. #SharkSeason2015

10 comments:

  1. Flash Flood! ha ha! But, yeah, this sounds...less than ideal. This reminds me of the ads for all these meds with the pages and pages of "fine print"...

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    1. It CAN happen to you! Pfizer can tack this on a an addendum.

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  2. I had the exact same thing with the shot and bleeding. Ironically, I got the shot to stop my abnormally heavy periods. Now I have a Mirena and they keep saying, "give it one more month". I've had maybe five days where there isn't SOMETHING coming out of my vagina. I'm about to have them yank it and just put up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre every monthmonth or look into an ablation. Tampax should send me a fucking Christmas card.

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  3. I had the exact same thing with the shot and bleeding. Ironically, I got the shot to stop my abnormally heavy periods. Now I have a Mirena and they keep saying, "give it one more month". I've had maybe five days where there isn't SOMETHING coming out of my vagina. I'm about to have them yank it and just put up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre every monthmonth or look into an ablation. Tampax should send me a fucking Christmas card.

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  4. I had the exact same thing with the shot and bleeding. Ironically, I got the shot to stop my abnormally heavy periods. Now I have a Mirena and they keep saying, "give it one more month". I've had maybe five days where there isn't SOMETHING coming out of my vagina. I'm about to have them yank it and just put up with the Texas Chainsaw Massacre every monthmonth or look into an ablation. Tampax should send me a fucking Christmas card.

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    1. I appreciate how your comment is relentless as well.;) Hope things turn around for you soon, lady.

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  5. I read a lot of stories like this before I got the Depo shot, which is probably why I was shaky when I got it. So far, so good. I got the shot a month ago and I have had no bleeding at all. I had it three days post D and C, though. I think it helped to be totally cleaned out before getting it. I also think that some people do better on progesterone than others. I bleed for weeks on estrogen based birth control. Ortho Tri-cyclen about killed me.

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    1. Wow. It really is true how everyone is different. This has been the worst gynecological experience for me--including 7th degree tearing with the birth of my first daughter. That was fine in a week. This has been months of BLOODY HELL! Pun intended!

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    2. And I hope you continue to do well on it, Lisa. I REALLY wished it hadn't been like this for me.

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