January 7, 2011

sugar and spice....

so.  no snakes, no snails, no puppy dog tails.  i was pretty sure that this was a boy, mostly based on the fact that this pregnancy has been identical to my last (with Slim) and entirely NOT like my first (with Moo).  now i'm pretty sure that I have no clue what i'm sure of.

can i just be grossly honest and say that i cried?  not at the ultrasound.  not even right afterwards.  not even entirely because we've just renewed our ride on the estrogen roller coaster for what is essentially another eighteen or so years.  i'm not even pretty sure why i cried.

i was fond of telling people that i was not ashamed to say that i wanted another boy--although i honestly can't even say exactly why.  Lord knows, Slim isn't the easiest-going of little men.  a loving and generally very happy guy, but not the lowest on the maintenance scale.

 i was so fond of telling everyone what i "really" wanted because i was so sure that i was going to get it.  and i think a big part of that was because i was so not wanting to have another baby, but since that point can't be argued, at least i can have a preferred gender.  selfish?  absolutely.

but i don't write this to be popular.  i haven't even written ANYTHING in so long--partly because i wasn't sure how honest i could be (even with myself), but that's kind of the point of me starting this to begin with.  (i won't digress into one of those why-i-started-this-blog posts.  that is for some future post.  it has flowed in my head frequently recently, but it just feels kinda cliche and i'm not ready to go there yet)

another cue for the waterworks?  a name.  i HAVE to name this baby.  i have always felt a need to know the gender of my children before they are born.  i want to be that much more prepared and talk to them and feel that bond, but i am especially desperate this time.  I NEED to feel that.  i want to talk to her and feel like i know her already.  and i kinda do, but i still want that connection.

i saw her face today.  it could be any baby face, but it is mine.  arm squashed up against her head.  laying in utero, just like her older siblings lay in their beds.  so much all of ours.  so much not just mine to be upset about.  she will be something like the other two and nothing like them.  and i will love her no matter what.
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