February 20, 2011

how are YOU feeling?

My new favorite question.  And I don't mean that entirely sarcastically.  Many people who genuinely have some level of concern for me have asked me that recently--and not unexpectedly.  It is "the thing to ask" nowadays.  (Not for society in general, just for my circle of family, friends and maybe even acquaintances.)

Just for the record, the stock answer (however true and obvious) is "Large and uncomfortable."  That should cover me for the next three months.  And the three after that will be "Sleep-deprived and tired.  Extremely and utterly so."  That will get me through to September.  After that, the field is open.

What I don't get into with most people is that I am not only feeling large and uncomfortable--I am also feeling tired, stressed, guilt-ridden and diffident.  All or some at any and many given moments any day.  Tired?  Of course, the insomnia is back.  Guilt-ridden at our complete inability to come up with a name for this child.  We can't even find one that we kinda like.  I have heard of people who have taken their nameless newborn home from the hospital and found a name three days later!  (Is this possible?  What is the statute of limitations on filling out that Social Security paperwork?)  I can hardly imagine having a nameless tiny being in our home!  Cooing and fussing over Baby Girl Doe.  Really?

The diffidence and stress?  Well, horrible as it sounds, this kid is still first and foremost in my mind: a logistical nightmare.  Where will we put her and all of her adorable and space-hogging accouterments?  As yet, no more square footage has magically appeared in our house.

How will I work?  I can't not work.  Thankfully my job is somewhat flexible, but that initial flexibility will have to be replaced at some point (probably sooner than I'd prefer or be ready for) by a routine that I can't quite imagine right now.

Who will care for this child (during the day) if it can't be me?  And with that, how will I (such an avid breast-feeder with Moo and Slim) nurse this baby?  I have openly admitted that I am WAY too lazy to pump, and absolutely positive I won't have the time.  And will however-long-I-can-nurse-her be long enough??

Will she be as good a kid as my first two--both of whom I was there for every day, nursed until they were well over a year, and loved and wanted from the time they were known to be?

I could probably work myself up into a half-decent panic, but that is why I stop at "Large and uncomfortable."  I don't need to go there.  More specifically, I'm there a lot lately, I just don't need to drag everyone else there with me.

No really, I'm feeling fine.  Thanks for asking.
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