June 30, 2013

Pulling the Plug

I have been trying for weeks now to bust out this post.  I wanted to wait before shouting from the roof lest I eat crow, as before.
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Tonight I did it.  I pulled the plug.  I cold-turkeyed these bitches.


I have been telling The Geel for weeks now that we were going to stop nur-nurs soon.  And she would nod her head with appropriate seriousness and then smile and say "Nur-nur sides?"  In other words, "Suuuure, Mommy.  You keep telling yourself that.  Now shut up and feed me."

My master plan was to start while The Sarge was away, because as much of a hard nose as he thinks he is, he just can't listen to the crying-it-out.  I'm not saying I enjoy it any, but I will tolerate it if I have to.  So he goes away for two weeks for some training, and what looked good on paper weeks ago, suddenly seems like a half-baked idea with a slight lack of forethought.

First of all, the new summer babysitter (awesomest EVER--but that's another post) started on Monday and it's the last full day of school for Moo and Slim, so The Geel is with the new sitter all by herself for a day.  Then she wakes up the next day and Daddy is gone.  And so, after those two realizations, I thought that perhaps I should rethink the idea.

Not to mention the fact that I feel like she just isn't ready to give it up.  Years ago when I first had Moo, I had a friend shared with me one of her parenting philosophies:  Babies/kids have needs and if you fill those needs when they have them, they will outgrow the need.  Seems logical, and it seems to have held true for Moo and Slim regarding nursing and many other things.  Now needing to nurse and wanting to nurse are, of course, two very different things.  I know that she doesn't need to nurse, but of course, she wants to.

Most days she wants to nurse immediately when we walk in the house after I pick her up from daycare.  I had tried many times to limit nur-nurs only to "nappies" and "night-nights" but soon found that 3-5 minutes spent nursing The Geel dramatically reduces the time it takes me to make dinner (once you count the exorbitant amount of time it takes to wrestle a toddler from your legs numerous times while handling hot food and cookware).

Even when Moo and Slim do try to help distract her it is always in vain.  The girl will not be swayed, she will not be distracted or bribed.  Or she will "let" her self be bribed and then turn around and expect to nurse anyway.  Persistence is her forte.  And I would be lying if I didn't say that it wasn't a tad convenient.  Tired?  Nurse her.  Hungry?  Nurse her.  Bump her head?  Nurse her.  But mainly it's just the fastest easiest way to get her to sleep when she's with me.

Anyway, I have been talking this up for weeks.  I have been telling her that there will be no more nur-nurs soon.  That Mommy just can't do it anymore, my nur-nurs are getting tired and that it's not nice and snuggly for Mommy anymore.  I'm sure she comprehended what I was saying, but didn't believe what I was saying.  You know, "Suuuure, Mommy.  You keep telling yourself that.  Now shut up and feed me."

So I did it.  I ended it.  I reminded her of what I have been saying for weeks.  I told her that I would lay down with her, and that she might be sad and that she would probably still want to do nur-nurs, but that we would not be doing it anymore.  And amazingly, she was okay.  She did get a little upset, and she did ask once or twice, but it wasn't the major ordeal I was anticipating.  It was not the earth-shattering, world-rocking devastating event that I thought it would be.  It was okay.  She was okay.
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And as soon as I shut down my computer last night, I realize that maybe I'm the one who's not okay.  I don't get all sentimental about The Geel being my last baby.  I mean, let's remember, she was sort of not really part of the plan to begin with.  I am perfectly fine with her growing up and have often joked from the beginning that I'd like to fast forward 4 or 5 years--past diapers and the sleepless nights and nursing.  

But in the thick of it here, I think I am missing something.  It's like waging a war.  Every day you fight and fight.  I whined about nursing, I begged and bribed her just to not do it.  I was weary with the effort--both of nursing and of resisting it.  The nursing itself wasn't so taxing, but emotionally I was starting to hate it, to dread it.  It was draining.  No pun intended.  

Now that it is gone, the war is over, I can go back to......something.  Can I go to Mom's Night Out again?  My book club?  Could I meet a friend for a glass of wine?  It seems possible now, and yet it seems weird and almost wrong.  Like I shouldn't be able to.  From the first night, I stayed up too late.  First I wanted to write about it, but the second night and the third I sat up waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Waiting for the inevitable #epicfail that didn't come.  

Don't get me wrong, this has not been without some bumps.  Yesterday's naptime was a particularly ugly knock-down, drag-out match between me and the Terrible Two-ster.  It would have been SO easy to just start nursing her (and she would have, I'm sure) and get her to sleep and have some "instant" peace, but I just couldn't.  And it's not like she doesn't still need me to get to sleep.  She really has no self-soothing skills.  In fact Phase II of this whole thing will be to not have to lay down with her and sing 17 rounds of "Hush Little Baby" and recite Goodnight Moon six times.

The other strange thing is that although I have shared the "news" with family and friends, it's nothing I'm particularly proud of.  I am glad it is over, but in my heart, I hear "This too, shall pass."  A favorite mantra of mine for sure, but still, something has passed.  Right behind my sigh of relief, is a pang of loss.

13 comments:

  1. So beautifully written. I'm thinking about completely weaning my 2 year old myself and I know that I will miss it when it's all over. I'm trying to be gentle with her still, but I think I'm going to have to pull the plug like you did relatively soon. I always thought I'd be one of those moms nursing her till she was 4 or something, but I don't think that's feasible for me. Or her, really.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say rock on and congratulations for having such a long nursing relationship! I can relate to how difficult it can be and am fist bumping you in celebration of the success you've had. What a milestone, and I hope that your girl finds some self soothing techniques soon. And I hope you write about those, because my daughter doesn't have any either.

    Take care!

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  2. Celeste--thanks for reading. Always glad to hear of moms in the same situation. I was not one who thought I would nurse my kids for so long, but I did nurse both Moo and Slim until almost 2 yrs old, so it was not unusual to nurse so long, just that I am now at such a different place that it was tough to go so long this time.

    If I come up with any good tricks, I'll keep you posted. Right now, it's just singing and short stories and even counting to 100 (at her request, no less--hey, whatever works, right?). Even already, though, it seems to be getting better. They figure it out. I think the biggest trick is knowing when they are tired but not too tired. You miss that window, and it becomes a power struggle.

    Good luck with your journey!

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  3. It is hard. I nursed my last until he was 2 1/2. He still talks about how I don't have mommy milk anymore. :(

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    1. oh geez. The Geel has asked once or twice in the last week. Thankfully, she doesn't seem too sad about it, though. He only misses it because it was a good experience.

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  4. This is such a difficult time for Mom and baby! I had been contemplating weaning my daughter and then one day she just decided she was done! My friends told me how lucky I was because I didn't have to listen to her cry, but it was like a shot to my heart: "I don't need you any more mom!" Whoa. Those hormones are whacky, right?! ;)

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    1. Absolutely! I have had friends in the same situation. Every kid and every nursing experience is different. I even read somewhere that your body grows new milk ducts with every pregnancy, so even past experience nursing may have no bearing on the next. I hope the experience you did have was wonderful for you and your daughter.

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  5. Beautiful post on the push and pull of nursing. I weaned my son when he turned 1... I was ready to be done in some ways, and in others, not so much. I still miss it sometimes. Not the being tethered to him literally, but maybe emotionally? The hardest thing was that after about two weeks of weaning, he was pretty much done - he didn't care. I continued the schedule so I wouldn't engorge, but I felt like a jilted lover!! Anyway, I understand completely.

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    1. Thank you! I didn't want to get too bogged down in details, so I kept this out of the post, but at about day 7, I actually did need her to nurse and I labored over the decision to even let her--but I so needed the relief. She seemed to understand it was a one-shot deal and it was absolutely worth it. The last thing I wanted to punctuate this experience with was a clogged milk duct or mastitis!

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  6. I totally relate. I never pulled the plug on my first--but I was preggers, and the taps just ran dry. So with my 2nd (and BOTH my kids nursed...like...forever), I finally told her that they were dry, too. And, like you, I was never really ready for that to be gone. But it is, and I'm okay. :) Great post.

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    1. Thank you! I think hindsight is always enlightening and my experience in other matters has been that nothing is never as disastrous as it seems at the time.

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  7. I was fortunate that my older two children weaned off themselves. They were both fairly young. Now I am nursing my own youngest and this was a touching read. I wonder if I am the one who will miss it most.

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    1. Every kid is different and you just never know until you're in it. I never thought that I'd nurse ANY of my kids so long, but that's what seemed best at those times. Whatever works, right?

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  8. Whoa, your feeling about not quite knowing what we're supposed to do with ourselves now that we're not attached to our babies by the teat is just exactly what I've been feeling. I'm so happy we crossed paths on this one.

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