June 2, 2014

Know Thy Enemy

I sat down to write about something completely NOT this post, but after a quick trip to the bathroom this post has been hijacked by your friendly neighborhood domestic centipede.

know thy enemy
(Nothing makes my skin crawl likes these fuckers.)

I HATE THEM. Like, a lot. 

So I took a potty break,and what do I see out of the corner of my eye? The biggest domestic centipede that has every traipsed it's long hairy legs through my house, scurrying along the inside of the bathtub.

I wish wish wish I had run to get my phone and taken a picture, but you have to act fast when you see one of these bitches on the run. It's body was at least an inch and a half long. Just the body!!--that's not including the length of the antenna and those whip-like legs propelling it forward.

Usually when faced with such a fast opponent, my go-to method of extermination is a spray bottle of whatever deadly (at least to an insect) chemical cleaner I can grab first. I spray the enemy liberally (or sometimes even spray the projected path of my adversary, if they are too fast for a direct hit) and wait for the poison to exact is toxic affects, incapacitating the beast so that I can run for approximately 8 paper towels with which to dispose of the vile (sometimes still-twitching) remains.

Knowing that I had no such weapon in the limited storage space under my bathroom sink, my only choice was hand-to-hand combat with a mere wad of toilet paper for protection. In the brief time it took me to grab my "weapon" it was heading behind the shower curtain. While pulling back the shower curtain I lunged toward it and squashed it with my soft but powerful toilet paper wrecking ball.

It was so large that even Scott's Extra Soft couldn't contain the carnage. There was a disgusting smear of brown-black gunk on my tub that, in the nanosecond that it took me to wipe up, I briefly considered photographing. But I like you people, so I have spared you the gory photographic evidence of my crime. My apologies to those of you who would have preferred confirmation, but I really just wanted to clean that shit up as fast as I could.  Maybe next time I'll grab my phone on the way to the paper towels.


  1. I'm with you, I really, really hate bugs!! Thank you for the picture, that really made my day!! Lol! xo

    1. My pleasure. Just don't bug me tonight when you're wide awake thinking about my little friend.

  2. Motherfuckers are always scaring me when I go to the bathroom! It's like they know when you are vulnerable! Good going with only the wad of T.P.! Impressive!

    1. Sometimes you gotta work with what you have, right? Good thing I worked out six months ago or who knows what could have happened....

  3. I so wish I could make an Annie Hall reference now, because, you know, you need a tennis racket for those things. But now the super-power of using Woody Allen jokes has been stripped of me by something even more horrific than what you encountered in the bathroom. And that, pictured above, is truly horrifying. You could make money off of it, perhaps? open your own Jurassic Park?

  4. I wish I'd taken a picture of the actual one. And then I found ANOTHER one in the kitchen sink the other day. But really, those things are way too fast and probably camera shy, so...missed another opportunity. Then again, that's not so bad. I'd be worse off if I ran for the camera and it wasn't anywhere to be found when I got back. Then I'd surely be running for a tennis racket to destroy it , likely taking out everything in the surrounding area with it. Just to be sure.


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