July 30, 2013

Why I DON'T workout.

See, I could have written why I CAN'T workout, but I don't want to sound like I'm carrying around 10 pounds of baby weight AND 5 pounds of excuses.  I DON'T workout because when I do, this shit happens....

I have been pretty motivated (for me, that is--everything's relative, you know) about working out lately.
  • I have been inspired by Sue Diamond-Philips at Diapers or Wine?.  Mama is rockin' a hot bod after crap tons of HARD WORK and she is not shy about the before-and-afters.  I want to say "unbelievable" but they are totally not unbelievable for all the effort.  UH-mazing!  
  • I also have a neighbor who is working her butt off, too.  She runs, so naturally I don't ask if I can workout with her, but she works up a sweat regularly.  She's done some runs and one of those muddy run things which is just combining two things that don't appeal to me in the least bit--getting covered with muck, and running.  No need to make room on the bucket list for that one.
  • Then there's my sister-in-law who does triathalons and stuff.  She works her butt off too and I'm sure she'd give me a great kick in the ass if we lived closer than 4 hours apart.
Anyway, I keep actually WANTING to workout, but honestly haven't had time.  Any normal week has it's own challenges, but this past week was pretty cray-cray with the local fair. We're not major fair-going folk, but I had to represent at our booth for work two nights and Slim had two shifts at his Cub Scouts smoothie stand.  This made for three nights in a row of 10 pm bedtime (and my crew is usually in bed by 8) and subsequent days of lost naps by The Geel, which made the next bedtime painfully long and drug out, etc. etc. etc.  
Twilight at the fair
Anyway, was I writing about working out? Oh yeah.  So today I actually had TIME.  TIME to workout. Now of course, since I haven't done it in, well honestly probably almost or maybe more than a year, I was kinda lost.  I mean, I've been thinking about it A LOT, but I was thinking about, like, how good I could look, and how I was kinda wanting to feel that after-workout soreness I haven't felt in longer than I can remember, and about how much better my clothes will fit.  (The wardrobe is in protest.)  I hadn't actually got around to the logistics of doing it.
Fashion first, baby!
Thank goodness for Xfinity on Demand.  The Sports & Fitness section has a metric crap-ton of choices. Almost too many--I kind froze up for a few seconds before I found something quick I could start out with while Slim helped The Geel finish up lunch.  I ran back to my bedroom, threw on some almost-too-"fitted" workout pants and dialed up some fitness On Demand.  So my first choice was an 8 minute butt number.

This chick promises me that I will feel all of this tomorrow.  I was feeling it after the second rep, but I'm an overachiever like that, so....  The thing you really want to pay attention to is the little extras I threw in just to challenge myself.  First Slim comes in in half a pirate outfit that needed the belt untied.  Now if you're gonna add this step, PLEASE be sure that the belt is knotted in at least 6 (yes, 6!) places.  Otherwise, what's the point?  Oh, and be sure that your child times it perfectly so that you are in a sideways facing lunge and that you untie the last two knots in a low isometric hold while your knee is hovering millimeters from the floor and you can no longer feel your left butt cheek.  That's when you're doing it right. 

On your next move make sure your toddler yells for you incessantly from the kitchen with increasing volume and intensity, until you are no longer able to not respond.  It is certain that Slim would not let any harm come to her, but she could care less about that because I'm not in the room so everything is an emergency that requires screaming for mommy.  Be sure that when you yell at the top of your lungs to answer her that you lose track of your reps and then miss switching sides so that one side gets WAY more worked out than the other. (And I'll probably be walking with a limp tomorrow.)  And also, it really amps up your intensity, when your two-year-old is, in fact, yelling, "MOMMY, I POOPED!!!!" so timing is really critical.

After adding a jog to the kitchen to rescue the toddler and change a diaper, I decided to try a second short workout.  Why not?  Everything was going great so far.  I opted for 10-minute basic Pilates.  This is best accomplished by keeping the toddler with you in the room, because after you lose the first 40 of the Pilates 100 to correcting your toddlers's positioning (they are the best workout partners--ALWAYS challenging you) you can make up that lost sweat trying to maintain your position and your breathing while having the toddler climb all over you like a human jungle gym.  Then to top it all off, (AGAIN, the timing!) be sure that the toddler leaves the room from boredom, then returns just as you are lowering you leg in a single leg circle that clocks her in the noggin.  Then you get to end your workout, snuggling with your crying baby and apologizing for trying to fit back into your pre-baby body jeans.
Oh well. Maybe next time.


  1. Totally can relate - I have dogs that like to pant and stand over me while I am doing these activities as well. They have been hit repeatedly in the head from my eliptical too. I also hurt my elbow (WTF?!) doing a Jillian Michaels on demand. I officially swore off on demand exercise after that. Glad to see I am not alone.

    1. Is Jillian on demand??!?! Not sure if that excites me or terrifies me.....

  2. Yeah if the kids don't kill your workout, the dogs will. Mine are small and manage to insert themselves between my body and the floor all the damn time. I'm right there with you on the whole WANTING to work out and THINKING ABOUT working out but having a hard time actually doing it. Let me know if you find an amazing solution.

    1. Absolutely! I'm sure if I unlock that secret I can stop THINKING about playing the lottery, too!

  3. I can 100% relate to this. I WANT the results of working out. But finding the time for it is impossible!

    I have tried to run on the treadmill when the kids are home. Big. Fat. FAIL. *sigh*

    At least I'm not alone!!!

    1. Yeah, we have one of those giant clothes rack/dust collector in our house, too. I almost feel bad for it. Almost. But I get enough guilt everywhere else, I don't need it from my exercise equipment, too!

  4. I have abandoned any attempt at "exercising" at home with my 2 1/2 year old twins physically accosting me I mean lovingly trying to spend time with their momma, and try going to the gym in 25 minute increments about once a month. I go there to read. And watch TV. And oh yeah I guess I'm exercising while sitting on a bike, my legs are moving...

  5. I have done that math in my head. First I am too cheap and too exerphobic to pay to go and exercise in front of people--ugh! So I think there is a Planet Fitness in town that's $10 a month. What if I just go once a week to walk on the treadmill. That'll cost me $2.50 a walk. Plus gas. Doesn't compute.

    But now I am rethinking this. Go to the gym WITHOUT my kids, sit on a recumbent bike. Read? Watch TV? PRICELESS!

    Thanks for that exercise tip!

  6. Thanks for joining the Tattler Thursday Blog Hop last week! This week's hop is live now...hope you'll join us again!


    -Cristyl @ CHill Thoughts


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