October 12, 2010

and here we go again......

so, i'm not laughing.  in fact, i cried.  a knee-jerk reaction, nerves, release--whatever you want to call it, I can honestly say it was not tears of joy.

i have so many mixed feelings about this.  this pregnancy will be different for so many reasons.  For one thing, we are away from "home."  three to four hours away from the nearest family.  that alone is a little scary.  how can I call my mom or my sister on the way to the hospital?  would they make it before the baby?  random and maybe silly thoughts to have now, but I can't seem to find enough things to worry about.  NOT my usual M.O.

another difference?  I am now 37 years old.  past the magic "35" when genetic testing is now "routinely offered" (not "recommended," just "routinely offered").  in other words, "we can't tell you that you HAVE TO get these tests done, but we don't want you to come back and say we didn't warn you later--just in case something IS wrong."

and of course our whole lives are different.  my 8-yr-old princess and my 6-yr-old prince.  two AWESOME kids so past the baby stages--them and me.  we have Cub scouts and Brownie meetings, PTO meetings and a Toyota Corolla.  (okay, we have a KIA minivan, too, but have now ceased our ongoing conversation about trading it in.)  Now I have to return to preschool, Huggies and cradle cap.  sleepless nights, diaper rash, breastfeeding and where the hell is this kid gonna fit?  we're maxed out in square footage and need i remind myself that this is probably not the best time to try and sell the house?  (see second paragraph above, second-to-last line. can you see the circles I'm running in?)  last night I had a dream about gray hair.

so anyway, someday my third child will be literate and resourceful enough to find this post and work me over with guilt.  and i probably deserve it:  the bane of the Not-So-Super-Mom.  the blessing?  i'll get over it, and so will the kid.


  1. I felt this way when I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd. It wasn't so much that I didn't want another baby, but I had just had abdominal surgery, Cabin Boy #1 had just turned 1, and I just wasn't ready for another baby. I cried and cried, and worried and worried... and felt so, so guilty. I had PPD pretty bad after CB2 was finally here, but now that we're over that, of course I love him, am grateful for him, and couldn't imagine life without him. But I do wish I could have been excited with him like I was with all the others. He's my only 'regretful' pregnancy, and I hate knowing that.

  2. Totally know those feelings. I struggled with it for a long time and mention it in several posts.


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