October 16, 2010

ode to joy

so this is how this plays out in our house:

daddy and mommy:  nervous.  and probably still living in some level of denial.  I'm thinking about bits and pieces every day.  random things that pop up as life goes on and i witness all the little things i didn't quite remember and have yet to experience for the third time.  oh yeah.  oh yeah, and that.  oh yeah.  ugh!

Moo (the 9-yr-old big sister):  absolutely positively giddy with excitement.  i mean, every time she sees me after any absence longer than 10 minutes, she runs toward me with arms and hands flying squealing "I can't believe we're gonna have a baby!!!!!"  me neither.

Slim (the 6-yr-old big brother):  TEARS.  he was less than thrilled and this did not surprise me in the least.  he is my baby, and he would have been perfectly happy having stayed my baby forever.  no need for another.  but he has come around already, as I knew he would have.  he is such a loving and caring little guy.  he greets me every morning with a hug and a kiss and a light belly rub.  and i can feel his everything-is-right-in-the-world sigh.  and i wish it was mine.

see i am still trying to find the joy in this.  everything is not quite right in my world.  i am intrigued by everyone's good wishes and congratulations.  i want to say, thanks, but no.  i'm not looking for a pat on the back.  one of the first gut reactions my husband had was to say "what are we gonna tell our parents?!?"  (more out of incredulity, not a genuine sense of being afraid to tell them) but I COMPLETELY understood what he was saying.  somehow it felt like we did something really wrong--and I really do not want to feel like that.  like this.

i WANT to be so happy about this.  i want to think about all the tiny little things that I have probably already forgotten about my first two as babies.  tiny little toes to kiss, soft skin, fuzzy hair, baby smiles, cute little clothes.  i want to feel the happiness that everyone around me seems to feel.   some kind of joy osmosis.

in my head i understand that i will love this child as much as my first two.  but my heart is not in this right now. i can't get past the annoyingly practical hurdles that keep coming to mind:  who will watch the kids when we go HAVE the baby?  how can we afford this?  how will i keep working (i.e.earning income to answer previous question)? where will we find room for another little person in this house?    i feel stuck in this whirlpool of guilt-inducing yet real questions that won't let me rest until i have reasonable answers to them.

it makes me sad.  because i truly loved being pregnant the first two times.  even though i know i will love the destination, i want to enjoy the journey.


  1. I can so relate to this when Rory came along. Tavey was 6, Kyla was 2 and we just took Tommy and said we are done no more kids and 5 mon. late, opps! I cried in the doctors office and he had no clue what to do with me. I came home and didn't even know what to say but now she is almost 3 and I could not imagine our world without her.

  2. Do you need a kick down the stairs? LOL...


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